Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about

Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!

Me: Yeah that was me

Gmail: No it was on another device!

Me: Yes my tablet

Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!

Me: what no

Gmail: CALL THE POLICE

*1st dinner date*

Me: waiter, can I get the bill-

Her: I love sophisticated guys

Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?

son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.

Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.

Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.

[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this

Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts

Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]

(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name

Duolingo getting serious.

Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4  kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away

It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.

Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.

– an early draft

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.

Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.

I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?

me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit

No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today

🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶

Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor

Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.

If Mona Lisa was on Instagram

I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.

Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs

Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us

Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.

Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.

my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out