Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First day as a surgeon]

Me: Oops…..

[Last day as surgeon]

“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.

[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO

I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.

*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.

Hippocrates did very well for himself,

considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.

Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple

GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!

GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.

[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble

For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.

Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?

Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN

Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”

Student: Would you use it in a sentence?

Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”

*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*

Girlfriend: Are you crying?

Me: It’s a wedding episode…

Gf: But you don’t even like this show

Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭

I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.

If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can

[god creating sharks]

angel: what is this?

god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense

Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?

Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark

Mob Boss: …

Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?

I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”

0 for 3 so far.

[Spelling bee, to clench victory]

“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”

Judges?

(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)

Correct.

I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed

I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.

Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.

These are so Plastic Man-core

choose your gary

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.