Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
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Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
She might be a genius
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?
7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!
Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?
7yo: I don’t know.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”