Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
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3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
We’ve come full circle
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots