Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral

Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.

From Facebook just now…

Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.

therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now

me: ok rank us

Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?

Me: Ice cream

Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.

Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.

Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.

Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.

Married with Children was much funnier on TV.

My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again

We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast

[Inventing Squash]

FRIEND: What are you doing?

ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall

FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I

In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.

If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink

Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter

My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active

I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”

Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?

Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks

[antique store]

customer: I want something new for my living room

me: do… do you know what antique means

Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.

October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.

stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once

Therapist: Are you two still romantic?

Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.

Husband: There were chores written on all of them.

The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence

Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.