Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help

me: we got our own problems

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.

eye doctor: your results aren’t good

me: can I see them

eye doctor: probably not

no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”

[at specialist office]

Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?

Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?

SD: no

M: you sure?

SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!

scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*

King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again

King’s horses:

‘Dances with Wolves’…

But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.

Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.

And that’s just in one mall.

Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend

I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.

“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”

Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.

Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

*Turns on work computer*

*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*

*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*

i need a six-month vacation twice a year

Shank you.

– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery

That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.

Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life

HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.

ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.

Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”

Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?

Daughter: I don’t know.

Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.

*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.

UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?

If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.

My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.