Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row

This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.

[Calling the police]

“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”

“Stay calm.”

“Yes, that’s him!”

I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.

Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.

I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.

Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot

Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear

I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.

my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research

Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.

ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED

When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.

ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.

[Biblical Times]

God: oh shit

Angel: what?

God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button

No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.

[first day as a lawyer]

CLIENT: you’re fired

ME: was it my opening rap or the –

CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes

Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?

Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.

Wife: Yep

The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.

Mothra: [flying around]

Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]

All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.

Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.

[after drug rehab]

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield

Garfield: *normal cat noises*

“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”

– the original two-step verification

[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it

Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.

having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”

Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.

*kneels to pray*

“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”