@ch000ch

i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly

You Might Also Like

@Gupton68

[having sex]

me: *finishing first* I win again!

wife: you really don’t

@Carbosly

As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.

@Darlainky

I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”

@PaperWash

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

@batkaren

[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶

@Mr_Kapowski

My 8 year old was awake on the couch at 6 am and said “I always wake up at this time, Daddy” and I felt like I was in a horror movie trailer

@rickygervais

RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.

@TheHyyyype

[brainstorming movie scripts]

WRITER: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-

STEPHEN KING: what if it’s an evil dress