i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
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are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
I cannot stop laughing at this
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
watergate? u mean a dam??
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!