Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.

I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.

Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected

dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk

*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”

i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook

school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life

In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *

I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.

NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while

I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.

“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?

My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”

AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”

*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you

My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.

7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.

Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.

Me: *falls down entire staircase*

(20 full seconds of silence)

Dad: …careful.

Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”

Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.

“How’s your day going?”

I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.

Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.

Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]