I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
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In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
This meeting could have been a cake
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.