Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: awhinersayswhat?

daughter: what?

*my wife and I high five*

[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin

[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”

Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.

HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing

CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar

HAN: why do you need a business loan

Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.

Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope

Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?

Me: Two.

4-year-old: It was nine.

Teaching her to count was a mistake.

Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong

Me: challenge accepted.

When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…

Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend

Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.

Me: wow

Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest

*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*

Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away

Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!

ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant

Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”

Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.

i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work

sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake

Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.

Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.

[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’

Me: I have bad news about, Bob

Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?

Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt

cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort

Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really

the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker