I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
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[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars