I’m wearing a shower curtain over my head and pretending to be a ghost. I probably look legit because everybody on this bus is avoiding me.

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*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster


Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?

Me: Yes


To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.


Are babies like tamagotchis? Like, will my friend take care of it if I forget it at her house?


Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.


4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?

Me: What do you mean?

4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?


My 9yo son just gave me a hug and told me thank you for not naming him Dick.


your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too


“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”