*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
I’m wearing a shower curtain over my head and pretending to be a ghost. I probably look legit because everybody on this bus is avoiding me.
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Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Are babies like tamagotchis? Like, will my friend take care of it if I forget it at her house?
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
My 9yo son just gave me a hug and told me thank you for not naming him Dick.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”