Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real

Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.

Me: I’m having a heart attack.

BFF: you are not.

Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind

[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.

The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.

Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared

I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.

STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS

I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely

My son – not this again

Cop –

When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori

Sister: “Family shot time”

Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”

Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”

Me: oh

*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse

the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.

If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind

“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”

Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.

Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”

To the person that stole my glasses.

I will find you, I have contacts.

No you shut up 😂🥳

HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i get angry wrong?

HER: yes

ME: *balling toes* this is delightful

[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened

Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.

Playdough smells better than other philosophers

i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery

Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach

Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐

I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.

The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.

Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!

*buys almond milk*

“I’m gonna get healthy!”

*drinks almond milk*

“This is gross.”

*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*

“Perfect.”