I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
You Might Also Like
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.
Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.Bread.
The kid likes bread.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many