Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.

Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?

[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.

Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.

When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.

THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.

ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.

Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.

If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.

[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.

*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*

My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.

Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.

I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.

A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.

A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.

“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.

Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.

Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.

Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.

instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me

I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?

I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

[pumpkin patch]

Cinderella: how many miles on this one?

Farmer: please stop kicking them

TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall

This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.

Dating:

“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”

Marriage:

“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”

[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine

Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?

I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.

Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.