Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?!

[Me to the cicada as it hits my car]

Day 1 of healthy eating

So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already

Day 2 of healthy eating

I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery

[first date]

him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.

me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.

My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split

[War Museum]

Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?

Me: Actually I said Doritos

Cop: *walks away

Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.

Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.

I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.

How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.

It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.

I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”

Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.

it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy

Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper

Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience

Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it

Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.

does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink

Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.

There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.

ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?

ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.

Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?

. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.

My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”

me: but i want it

ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no

My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…

‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.

I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”

I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.

My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options

when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes