I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
You Might Also Like
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
They grow up so quick
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.