I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
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Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
tag yourself
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?