If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
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Hi, welcome to Necrophiliac Club.
Who wants a cold one?
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Her: I’m staying with my sister