@Darlainky

I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.

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@AndrewNadeau0

If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

@HatfieldAnne

You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.

@ericsshadow

[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes

@WilliamAder

Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.

@dorkwing_duck

The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me

@mommajessiec

Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?

Taco truck driver: Okay.

@KylePlantEmoji

Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?

Her: I already hate where this is going

Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—

Her: *softly* no

Me: entre-manure

Her: I’m staying with my sister