I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
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Finally achieved… world peas.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
*Puts the band back together
The Easter Bunny doesn’t always drink, but when he does it’s hopscotch.
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”