I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
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It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty