I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
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I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Never let them know your next move 😂
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in
Pig: nope
Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks