Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!

Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.

Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”

I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine

Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.

It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?

When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.

[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned

I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.

I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.

If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.

this is supposed to be an 18 year old

Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando

I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.

Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?

Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?

I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no

Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?

[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin

exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break

i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.

(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.

God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open

Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?

If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.

Shower sex be like:

I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.

me: I broke my leg, can anyone help

guy: I know what to do

me: oh thank goodness

guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses

me: k wait

space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.