I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.
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Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.