Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear

me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet

There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.

Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.

I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.

[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*

Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.

23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.

COME TO ME JOURNALBOT

*Journalbot enters my study*

ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”

[very sad robot noises]

Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.

A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.

[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great

I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS

“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???

I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.

[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”

Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?

Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.

If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes

I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.

nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret

him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?

Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me

My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more