I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.
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There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
#winning
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.