I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
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Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
The hardest part about people walking into my office, is convincing them that I have a cat when they spot the litter box.
murder is like cilantro. you either love it or it tastes like soap.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Updating my resume. Anyone have a more professional word for “dumpster fire?” 🤔🔥📝