Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”

Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-

Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.

*walks in restroom reading phone*

*opens stall door & starts peeing*

Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.

4: *hands me a broken toy*

Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it

4: ok but be careful next time

Me:

how much does a mortician urn in a year

They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.

Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o

My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”

Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”

And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”

Parenthood has made me so mature.

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.

Everyone else at speed dating:

All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.

I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with

petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

[at a mattress store]

sales assistant: what size are you looking for?

me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do

first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller

Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺

Mother: can you please fix my computer

Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006

Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.

Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand

She’ll love it

Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?

Me: it means active at night.

Daughter: like Batman?

Me: yes like Batman.

Daughter: dada?

Me: yes?

Daughter: am I nocturnal?

Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.

Daughter: am I Batman?

Me: what?

Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office

Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself

My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.