Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.

Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.

All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…

Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.

Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.

*meets someone who’s really into politics*

Wow, I wish I was dead.

Any time I throw up, I stare at it like I’m getting a message from the past.

Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.

Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.

*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops

I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.

dead inside

Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.

– Yoda does Hamlet

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work

Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.

Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]

Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.

I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.

[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears

The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”

Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day

Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee

[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]

SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?

“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’

My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.

My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.

*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*

*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*

A lot to unpack here…

But…girl rabbits don’t either.

Also…does Christ lay eggs?