“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
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I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
had to share :’)
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment