I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
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Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.
I’m ex-static!
#DadJoke
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.