I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
You Might Also Like
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Accurate
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer