I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
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It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.