Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen

[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh

when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting

“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”

95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.

Imagine if food was sports

No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.

me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room

cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you

1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .

2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.

3rd Guy: I agree.

4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.

1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.

No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.

Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.

You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!

– OPiranha

my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.

[recording studio]

me: [into microphone] studio

sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it

*Victorian letters to Santa*

My dearest Santa,

I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.

*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*

I would like an orange.

I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.

[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.

Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching

Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT

You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.

they should invent a type of situation that improves.

Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.

Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.

Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a month

Funhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99

I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?

[Day at the beach]

*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *

6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”

[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?

If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no