I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
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Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
and this one
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.