Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.

Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.

Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.

What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”

GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II

ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya

I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .

Well… I can’t see that taking off…

Me: hey want to go to sushi?

Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?

Me: well I’m down for a date if you are

Her: I only want to be friends

Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool

Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.

“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.

RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.

Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.

Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.

my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too

I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.

Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.

what are they serving at kfc then???

my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva

Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.

Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad

My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today

You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.

Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.

A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.

The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.

It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.

I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.

I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.

Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.

🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile

*drinks beer from my glass slipper*