I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
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A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married