Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.

They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.

One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone

interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?

me: umm I believe those are from the space bar

You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.

Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?

“Here mom, hold this.”

Translation: I own you now.

Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?

Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:

Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon

[later]

Wife: pass me the rock sample bags

Me: I thought you brought them

ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?

[doctor presses play]

couple: maybe a different donor

Friend: What’s your favourite season?

Me: Of which show?

Friend: 😐

Me: 😶

Friend: 😕

Me: 😐

Me: 👀💭

Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points

I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.

The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.

embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together

17 animal photos that will make you do a double take

[watching nature documentary]

*hawk kills mouse*

That’s so amazing.

*hawk kills lizard*

I could watch this all day.

*hawk kills bunny*

MURDERER! *turns off TV*

Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.

Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.

Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.

I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.

Simple

Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.

Husband: I’m sitting right here.

Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan

“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”

-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side

I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.

Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.