Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough

Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.

This will never not be funny 😭

Wise advice

Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*

Priest: the bride, sir

The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.

I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.

I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.

My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.

******************

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR CAT: Me too.

[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”

First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.

Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.

(kids playing upstairs)

*loud crash*

Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*

I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!

Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.

A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own

did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment

Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?

Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.

Me: And?

me: wanna do something fun?

her: already have plans

me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different

I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery