Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.

Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?

DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature

MY BRAIN: say you like hiking

MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon

[Watching an educational show]

[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]

Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.

[5 minutes later]

3: Why doesn’t he hop?

Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

i made a craigslist ad !

Sweet. Free refrigerators!

*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it

My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t

Me: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides

When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard

Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce

[Afterlife]

“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”

“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”

Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?

Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.

“Woah woah hey woah”

[me attempting to breakup a fight]

I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!

My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.

Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most

ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.

ME IN 2022:
Oh.

“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”

~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.

him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral

my wife: not a problem

him: sorry i meant 10

my wife: plenty of wiggle room still

I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.

[on Shark Tank]

me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”

[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]

ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer

Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow

I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza

My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.

Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back

Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.

Single and childfree like Jesus

Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May

Dating Tips
1.
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3.
4.
5.

Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.