I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
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[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat