I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
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A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Are we there yet?…
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”