I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
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Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.
However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Sponch
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that