Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[tsunami approaches]

Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.

Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.

I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.

Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor

Airport security:…

ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that

If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.

*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*

“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”

I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink

Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”

Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.

Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.

[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.

me: I’m gonna work from home today

co-pilot: wait

Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.

We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”

Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.

[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”

Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries

In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…

They’ll be SO surprised!

common English mistakes:

-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place

Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties

Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself

any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow

Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.

Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME

OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE

I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.

I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom

[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.

Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.