Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*

Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.

Executive: Yawn. Boring.

Creator: They both have speech impediments.

Executive: I love it.

A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”

The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.

*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*

Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”

[interview]

So what’s a personal strength?

“Honesty.”

And a failing?

“I murder people who don’t hire me.”

It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day

My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.

they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”

If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨

outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now

me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email

outlook: [confused hissing]

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian

i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him

Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.

Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.

Buying In Bulk

In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month

In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight

DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.

ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?

DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.

ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*

Me: Will you marry me?

Her: No

Backing singers: She said no! she said no!

Me: Not now

I’m ready to try another planet.

when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce

Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me

My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.

I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.

Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.

When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.

for all #parents out there

“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that