Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just started an episode of 30 Rock and said to my 4-month old baby “this brand of comedy is important to this family so please pay attention.”

“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg

I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.

Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.

My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.

A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.

Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.

If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.

My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.

one week till the election

Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”

[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR

Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them

As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.

me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve

[nail salon]

Excuse me, do you do filing here?

“Yes of course we do!”

Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*

Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.

When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.

Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working

*First Date*

Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.

Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately

Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.

Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”

Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”

How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.

my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?

He really should be.

I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…

Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door

Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock

ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet

VERIZON: How’d you get it wet

ME: I talked dirty to it

HIM: ……

ME: Water asshole. How else?