Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My brain at 6am: I’m tired.

My brain at 9am: I’m tired.

My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?

Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?

Me: Absolutely not.

You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes

-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.

-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.

I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.

ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you

ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator

A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice

The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.

[robbing a bank]

accomplice: nice pantyhose

me: thanks

accomplice: on your face next time tho ok

This story is comedy gold 😂

Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.

I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.

*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.

[first date]

Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.

Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]

Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing

Judge [teary]: Just wonderful

“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed

So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?

2019: starts making risotto

2021: almost done but not quite

*wife stares at me*

*I stare at her*

*she frowns*

*I smile*

“You didn’t notice my new-”

“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”

“Dress.”

I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.

I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.

Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma