I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
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[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
A choir of Spring onions
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.