Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair

Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter

Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.

Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.

Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray

Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.

PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations

The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.

My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.

WIFE: Remember to check for firmness

ME: When should kids be allowed to date?

TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo

ME: OK this one is good

The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.

[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]

Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?

Me: yeah

2021

Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.

Managers: wut?

captain: any leads in the diarrhea case

detective: nothing solid

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hot dog demon: not you again

me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden

A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.

6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.

Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit

Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!

*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building

Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!

Me: Oh you are so full of shit!

Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it

(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*

My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?

Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES

When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too

I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect

The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG

what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube

[Speed Date]

Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!