I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
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[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.