I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
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I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians