Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.

got my wisdom teeth removed.

surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else

*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…

I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..

Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.

ah yes….my favourite videogame

ㅤ

according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working

Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?

Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-

Them: Oh Jesus

Me: -the portable hat!

My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming

an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed

My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.

Body: it’s sleepy time.

Brain: it’s thinky time.

ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards

JUDGE: no can do

Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.

me adding lol on a serious message

Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.

You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second

me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No

I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer

BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell

People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants

…or whatever that saying is

[being 40]

fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job

me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –

FD: your body is only 38% recovered today

me: wtf

Them: What’s your writing process like?

Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.

My writing process:

I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?

Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”

-me, walking into the kitchen

Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.

Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.

Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?

“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”

mugger: *points gun* your money or your life

me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix

mugger: no i mean-

me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital