I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
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Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
[dinner party]
GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.
ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?
[everyone slowly turns their head]
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.