Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds

Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.

CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing

Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner

I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?

I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself

Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”

Mine should be here in a few days.

*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave

Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car

[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”

Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out

it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away

A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.

The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment

FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*

JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic

That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.

HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here

ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin

Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.

Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.

If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.

Attacked by a mop.

I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do

McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?

Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?

Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger

A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]

My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.

Me: Do that thing that I like

Cop: I’m not frisking you again

There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.