Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what

Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.

“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁

Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework

Me: -holds up yellow

Me: What color is this?

4: McDonalds

The end

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?

WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer

ME: Eels

“When I was your age, I already owned a house”

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.

The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.

Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.

Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.

I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.

90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.

He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.

4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?

Me, a Dad: Yeah???

4: …

4: MOMMY!!!

“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”

*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*

Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?

Waiter: You can only take your own food

Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.

Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.

[any baby is born]

society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds

PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine

ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny

PHYSICIST: Not that many

People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”

ㅤ

I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”

“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo

walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins

walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas

WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.

The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again

You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.

Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does