I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
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God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Every time my phone rings
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.