Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp

Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age

Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.

lmao

I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.

Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?

mob boss: i need u take out the rat

[later]

rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for

me: yes it was

rat: what

My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.

Wife: the baby needs changing

Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her

i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs

I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.

Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.

It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.

no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭

Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself

The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.

[at the office]

Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.

Me: When did it arrive?

Secretary: 1983.

Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.

I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse

My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.

Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.

Cat 911: What’s your emergency?

Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!

Cat 911: Seriously?

Cat: No, LOL!

Cat 911: LOL!

If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day

It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.

One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.

An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.

I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.

Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.

interviewer: what are some of your strengths

me: i’m really good at making people question their reality

interviewer: what does that mean

me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you