Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations

That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.

Ducks don’t talk…

Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅

What If When You Die They Ask You

“How Was Heaven?”

husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?

me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.

17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.

I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed

Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.

I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.

#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.

Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.

When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position

I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.

Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.

my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery

My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.

3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706

shit, they caught us—run!!!

My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.

Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.

Never let them know your next move 😂

DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…

My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.

[Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Picard: Why are they firing at us?

Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.

ex: i wish you well

me: i hope you fall into one

librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees

me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find

Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.

Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio

[at wedding]

Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace

Me (raises hand)

Pastor: It’s your wedding

Me (lowers hand)