Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}

Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.

Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.

Life is a suicide mission.

this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*

Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.

today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties

hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names

I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.

One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats

A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.

*lying in bed*

*drops chip down cleavage*

*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it

*also, mmmmm, breakfast*

Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked

Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order

Me: And I have some ideas

Every Law & Order episode should end with:

“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”

Why font matters.

Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’

Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.

I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.

I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.

I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”

Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…

Can I come inside the house?

Me: No

Why do you treat me like a doormat?

Me: You ARE a doormat

Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!

Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous

her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot

Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog

Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”

Embarrassed chicken closes her legs

Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.

My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.

I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies

ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??

ME: yeah, totally

[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]

ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T

Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”

corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn