I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
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bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look