Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy: Are you pregnant?

Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.

Guy: …..

Me: Cowabunga, douche!

8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!

8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles

GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale

WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.

self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.

My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.

feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.

dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok

Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.

In space, no one can hear…

—How do you care for your mental health?

Me with my best frens:

The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.

me: what’s the best way to get healthy?

doctor: diet and exercise

me: what’s the next best?

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all

“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM

11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?

Me: no more YouTube before bed.

The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.

And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.

I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.

I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?

I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean

Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.

As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack

Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?

Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.