I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
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Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]