I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.
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When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Pleading insanity in small claims court
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me