I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.
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Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…
But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.
I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.