Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore

It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.

My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.

“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting

Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?

Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.

When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”

If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.

*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger

That’s shocking!! Hold on.

*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*

Ok. Go on.

Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.

nurse: name?

me: david

nurse: age?

me: 35

nurse: sex?

me: almost once

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.

Saint West, the patron of selfies

*runs away from it all*

*runs back*

*grabs phone charger*

*runs away from it all again*

The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself

Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”

Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood

Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number

I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.

Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing

Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it

bat life

Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.

My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.

My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.

eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle

adam: wow

eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you

adam: WOW

If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.

New Tinder profile.

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!