I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
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What personal space?
My dog
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
😅🤣😂
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.