Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.

Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.

Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.

I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.

[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!

Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.

People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.

Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.

[commercial for rakes]

“Are u tired of eating leaves?”

Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?

*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*

Me: The gym.

Always stretch before playing billiards or you might pool a muscle

My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.

My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

[6 months after the pandemic ends]

Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.

You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.

Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands

“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber

Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.

8:00 AM: Too tired to think

Noon: Too tired to think

5:00 PM: Too tired to think

Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??

Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*

Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free

On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten

Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult