Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord

The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

is this store having a stroke wtf

i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too

but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME

Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.

May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.

Wife: Have you considered therapy?

Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career

Wife: *stabs me

nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting

Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts

Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it

Twitter fine art

Interviewer: How do you define success?

Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!

Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web

Her: How would you describe that green sheep?

Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?

Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!

Entrapment 101

FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that

LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it

Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.

Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.

Them: What did you make for dinner?

Me: Arroz con pollo

Them: What’s that?

Me: Chicken and rice

Them: Why didn’t you just say that?

Me: 🤦‍♀️

Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?

I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any

i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips

It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views

A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?

Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?

Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.

Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.