I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
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Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.