I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
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70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Yup.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
husband: help me choose a baby name.
me: ok, but shouldn’t we go with an adult one?
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are