I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
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[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.