I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
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Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk