Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!

I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”

All is not a trick question. Apparently

The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.

When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.

[me holding a door]

PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.

ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.

How do you know you been on your phone too much?

Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!

I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

crochet youtube is brutal

“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.

peep davidson

My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.

Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.

Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.

Be careful what you put out there.

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.

jesus christ confetti not now

there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion

Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.

Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*

[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement

Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!

Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof

I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.

any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly

My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.

My blood type is b hungry.

i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard

I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then

boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?

me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve

DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this