I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
You Might Also Like
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Isn’t
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?