I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
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my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
Did 900 crunches today. It was a bag of Cheetos, but still.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried
I have two arms and should easily overpower him
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then