Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mentally somewhere in italy

It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.

Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.

Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.

Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–

Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!

I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me

What do you call it when one banana eats another?

Cannibananabalism.

I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.

Too much insomnia causes caffeine.

[At a restaurant]

Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.

Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.

Me: Those don’t come with fries.

Husband: I know.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!

When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old

@funTweeters

I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.

I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail

I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.

me: what’s your favorite part of fall?

4: jumping in piles of leaves

me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?

4: money

I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”

Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.

99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.

It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.

It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire

If I’m reading my Twitter feed correctly, Jennifer Aniston killed JFK.

Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon

Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”

That’s not in the rules!

[looking through photos of the kids]

Me: Best thing we’ve ever done

Wife: Having children?

Me: No, buying a camera

I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas

Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.

FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes

ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!

I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*

*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house

I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.

My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

Me (at a tournament): I win!
*throws ball into the crowd*

Manager of bowling alley: Okay, that’s not right.

You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch