Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Charlie, I want a divorce.”

[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?

kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people

When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.

I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks

[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?

MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit

I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.

Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”

I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp

Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age

Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.

Alex: A ship that has sunk

What is my relationship?

Alex: No sorry tha-

[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex

Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online

“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”

I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile

{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.

I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end

My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?

Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES

If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.

I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.

DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac

DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go

DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*

How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?

just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face

If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.

Me: I love you so much, you know that?

Toddler: *slaps me in the face*

I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.

ME: I can’t find my glasses

SON: They’re on your head

ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again

Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.

Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.

Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.

Me: No, not like that.

People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.

Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.